I said 'YES'

He took me in his arms, told me he loved me, whipped out the prettiest ring ever and asked me if I'd complete his life!

Butterfly...

I just don't know anymore

So...suddenly out of the blue I'm utterly and totally confused. Sometimes its just indescribable the way things just happen and one finds oneself totally and utterly lost for words...trying to make sense out of the entire situation is just completely useless...do I do anything about it? No. It ain't my baby...but it still concerns me to the greatest of deals, worries me terribly...

Fathoming the situation right now is just beyond me reach. It's not as horrible as it sounds, it's just that sometimes one never expects things to happen within one's own sphere, and when it does, it is totally and freakily so, unsettling.

If this doesn't make sense, which it probably won't, worry not...I'm just using this as a vent - it be one of those issues you'd rather not discuss with anyone and everyone.

On the other hand, I went to one of the prettiest and awe-inspiring Geoffrey Bawa houses yesterday...[swoon!] I'd give anything to live in a house like that...will be posting pictures on flickr later on...So my evenining was coupled with the greatest of houses, friends and heaps and oodles of sushi - I'm feeling entirely in a good mood tinged with confusion. Did I mention how much I love sushi? YUMMMMMMMMMY!

Going now - heaps of things to do... :)

Six Utterly Absurd Things I Didn't Know

• Dmitri Trofimovich Shepilov, Soviet politician and foreign minister denounced jazz and rock music at the Congress, warning against "wild cave-man orgies" and the "explosion of basic instincts and sexual urges".
• Bill the Goat is the mascot of the United States Naval Academy and first appeared at a Navy football game in 1893.
• The Victorian era parlour game of Snap-dragon involved children plucking raisins out of burning brandy and eating them.
• There have been many attempts to deliver mail by rocket, but none have met with much success.
• Umchwasho is a traditional chastity rite in Swaziland that restricts the sexual relations of unmarried women.
• Alcohol advertising is heavily restricted in some countries to avoid associating the drinking of alcoholic beverages with sexual success and physical attractiveness.

OH! That horrid, horrid feeling :(

I keep feeling this deep sense of regret which seems to pull me down further with each step I take...I know what the root cause of it is, however, also knowing very well that there is nothing I could have done about it. But still, that feeling of being denied an entire part of my life eats away at my soul, my very being. It somehow doesn't seem all that fair, to have lost that chunk of my world. Even more so, because I know I fought for it; hard. But lost, very badly. I'm not used to losing. Actually, I don't think I'm a bad loser. Somehow, this loss isn't something I can deal with. Maybe in a few months from now - things will change and I will walk away from this a bigger winner than ever...however, I have a horrid feeling I will always have this nagging feeling, of being denied, being stifled, being controlled - leading to a feeling of hatred I wish I never feel for anyone ever again! I feel horrible!

Manee

She is one of bestest friends...hates it when her picture is being taken, unfortunately for her - I simply LOVE it...this is one of those rare moments of when I've managed to catch her offguard!

One of the kids I teach

Of projects, Kottu and shopping...

So, I finished my FYP [Final Year Project], handed it in. Yes, there is a slight, vague sense of relief, probably owing to the fact that I have a presentation on the project in a couple of weeks time. It's true that I never, ever want to do a research project again, especially NOT using SPSS. URGH! Gives me shudders even when I think about it...however, I excepted to feel more relieved, but disappointingly enough I don't feel the feeling I wanted to feel.

On another note, I just noticed that I - the SweetIdiot is now on the Kottu blogroll...wow! When did that happen? :)

Now, I'm bored. Have a craving to go shopping...you know the kind where you just buy heaps and heaps of stuff and feel immensely satisfied when you go home and dump everything on your bed and heave that wonderfully satisfied sigh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Limbo-ish

Isn't it simply unnerving when you know you have heaps of work to do, choices to make, blah blah blah...but simply do not feel like doing it...it's almost like being caught in between - a kind of unsettlingly limbo-ish feeling.

I often feel like that about most things.

Baby Stuff

I'm a baby...at most things. I'm stubborn. Always want my own way. Will probably never, ever given in...I never stop to think before I act. It's always a case of suddenly realizing the end result...and that too, waaaaaaaaaaaaaay after the consequences have taken place.

I miss being a child. I never had so many decisions to make. At the most, I needed to decide between a car and a barbie doll [always chose the car - or sadistically chose the barbie doll and pulled her stupid little blonde head off!] Things were never this complicating. Sometimes, it's too much, too many, argh! Why me?

I hurt people without realizing it. I say things expecting too much out of people. I'm too much of a princess and expect everybody to fall in line with my life. It's tough, like this. I hate having responsibilities, obligations, things to remember, stuff I just HAVE to do, people depending on me [CWB this don't include you]

If only I could just close my eyes, make that wish and if only it would come true.

Islam = Peace

Islam means 'submission' and derives from a word meaning 'peace'. Somehow, most muslims around the world seem to have forgotten this amongst other basic Islam teachings and the situation has spiralled ridiculously out of control.

I proclaim no great knowledge in Islam - however, through the teachings I've received - I think I can confidently say that I know my right from wrong.

These quotations point out some important aspects of Islam - facts that people nowadays choose to ignore because for most - it is just easier to succumb to what they THINK is right, rather than actually follow what IS right.

'Powerful is not he who knocks the other down, indeed powerful is he who controls himself in a fit of anger.' - Prophet Muhammed (SAW)

The Quran says: God forbids you not, with regards to those who fight you not for [your] faith nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for God loveth those who are just. (Quran, 60.8)

On the other hand, Islam permits fighting in self-defense, in defense of religion, or on the part of those who have been expelled forcibly from their homes. Howver, it does lay down strict rules of combat which include prohibitions against harming civilians and against destroying crops, trees and livestock. In this light, the Quran says:
'Fight in the cause of God against those who fight you, but do not transgress limits. God does not love transgressors.' (2.190)

War therefore, is actually the last resort, and even then is subject to rigorous conditions laid down by Islamic law. Jihad means 'struggle' and takes on two meanings. The other defines the inner struggle that we all go through; against egotistic desires, for the sake of attaining inner peace.

What we see happening today is actually one of the signs of Qiyamah [The Last Day].

Islam, though some see it as a brutal and sometimes incomprehensible religion, is really quite simple. It is a great way of life - IF interpreted correctly. The damage starts only when people take matters into their own hands and make adjustments and begin to follow their own interpretations in the name of Islam.

Anyways, it really is not my place to judge...I'm just here...playing my little part in the world...

JERK! JERK! JERK!

Why do people think we need machines telling us what to do, how to dress and the latest: ta daa! a 'jerk-o-meter'!

I personally WANT to be able to be a jerk when I feel like it, scream on the phone WHEN I want to and do as I please and most importantly speak in any way I FEEL like - without some JERK of a machine telling me - "Don't be a jerk!," "Be a little nicer now," or "Wow, you're a smooth talker" - like YA RIGHT!

WTF?

ARGH! Humans! [rolls eyes]

I would…If I could,
Move to another space,
Another time,
Where every inkling of my life
Would be different.

My once sturdy walls of resistance
Have crumbled away,
Letting the poison
Come seeping in.
Invisible. Powerful. Claustrophobic.

Unwelcome, unfriendly thoughts
Swirl around, venemously,
Mocking at me. Sneeringly.

What do you do?
When coping becomes
Exruciatingly difficult.
When all one can think of
Is a way out. Forever.

How does one go by it?
Abracadabra? A swish of a wand?
Password? PIN number?

Sigh! If only things were that easy…

GASP!

I need air...[gasp]...to breathe...[choke]...I'm being stifled...[splutter]...beyond my control...lost part of me childhood. Losing out on life. Am not given a choice. It's scary. Freaks me out. Think I need to live my life again. Maybe not. I've missed out on so much. I feel like I have. I want it back. NOW!

People screaming, forbidding. They're are still screaming...it's too much to handle...I need out. I've always needed out. I'm complaining again. Whining again. That's what you'll say, and you and yes [sigh]...you too!

The loss...it's created a dark and unearthly void. Pain, suffering, anguish.

I'm not complaining...I'm not whining either...it's only for me to understand.

A Trip up North - Part II

Manalkadu-21st December 2005

Well, the trip just got better and better...I actually met with the LTTE [I was over-awed that I shamelessly was with my mouth wide open], met lots of government and NGO officials and had a super time.

There just isn't that much to write about - because we just went from meeting to meeting, and another meeting...it was endless...awesomely interesting, but tiring.

We stayed at this super guest house in Jaffna...and my room was just SUPER DUPER...the four poster bed, extremely cosy-chic sitting area and split-level bedroom were just the main attractions. [I was all smiles] It was quite different to the open-air bathroom and environment we experienced in Kilinochchi---but I loved it all!

The situation in Jaffna however, is extremely tense...every few metres on the road will ensure a meeting with the SLA...which I think is absurd. The looks on their faces - tells you that they really aren't prepared for this entire situation...most of them look really scared at the thought of even using their weaponry.

Somehow, I feel really sucky about the entire situation...I honestly am not in a position where I can impart my own personal opinion, for the simple reason that I don't have all the facts - but I'm totally confused regarding the entire situation. However, one thing is certain - the innocents are the worst affected - and the orchestrations that are going on are just simply unbelievable.

A Trip up North - Part I

The introductory scenes to the Northern region of the island are those filled with greenery…it brings a sense of calmness, which is most welcome after the hustle and bustle of Colombo. However, contrastingly, it would be difficult to deem the North as beautiful, even though initially it may seem to be. Along with its un-graspable beauty comes a sense of sadness…a sense of loss…some kind of void which is extremely difficult to describe. In some places, it is hard to even say it’s been through a two-decade ethnic conflict, an untrained eye or mind might call it a rural landscape…so overgrown with foliage and unkempt it be. It has a type of beauty marked by destruction and sadness.

It’s hard to believe I’m actually in the North. I know that right now…I am in fact in Kilinochchi…but I keep having to pinch me self very hard and say to me self… ‘You ARE in Kili’.

I’ve never met anyone from the LTTE face-to-face [even though I would simply love to]…but its amazing being surrounded by them. They’ve got their own police force that simply swarms the entire place…they are just everywhere. Today, I went to the Uduthurai beach…and we met two LTTE guys who worked for the LTTE’s tv station…that was cool. J I even got pictures. Actually, I’ve got heaps of pictures…they’ll be posted after I get back...

Strangely however, there is no sense of terror prevalent, and maybe the head of security for the area was right when he told Mark that Kilinochchi is the safest place to be in Sri Lanka. Don’t laugh now…you have to be here to understand exactly why I’m saying this. It also maybe ironic to say this – but just being here – I feel a super sense of calmness and peace. Funny eh?

The tsunami hit areas are the worst. Life in these places seems to be very, very hard. It is amazing those people even consider it ‘living’. The more I see, the more I feel the need to continue what we do…however, what I find extraordinary is that there are a large number of international organizations doing good relief work here. However, there seems to be no focus. If you go the coastal areas in the North, you’ll definitely see an abundance of fishing boats, idling on the sides of the road. You’ll see finished houses that are unoccupied. See, each organization specializes in their own type of relief work, and say one of them builds houses…well, that’s all they do. They don’t really care about the water supply, sanitation needs, electricity, road infrastructure. The end result my friends – houses…just houses and nothing else…or maybe a built road leading to nowhere…it just makes no sense…

The Cursed Girl-Child

We speak today of equality of the sexes, but that whole hype of males and females being a one-on-one basis just dies a sudden death when it comes to a grass root level. I mean, think of everything the girl-child has to go through, especially in South Asian countries...it is just not fair!

Right now, I know I'm completely biased - judging from the crisis I'm facing at the moment and everything I've rebelled against [or atleast tried] but never succeeded...but I still think somehow society looks down on its females if they try and do anything out of the ordinary, if they go that extra step; let alone a mile...let alone having to deal with that, having to deal with everything else that comes along with the package; especially considering that the package is way too heavy to bear.

Somehow it just doesn't seem fair...I may sound like I'm rambling, and I have a good enough feeling that I am - but it is just that I've been through so much of shit - for the only reason that I'm a girl and because I had to be born into a culture like this...I just don't think it can be justified at all - the ways and means in which they've tried to entrap me within the four walls of me house...when I think back on how much of effort and gritted teeth it took to actually do what I'm doing...and now I'm old enough to make my own decisions - but guess what? I'm not allowed to even do that. SCARY huh? I still have to ask for permission before I do anything, before I go anywhere - - - and most of the time the answer is a big, fat NO!

Well, that's the story of me life!

FUCKING INCOMPETENCY JUST IRKS ME!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been the worse morning ever! I get stuck with an incompetent bastard for the show and what does he do? NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!

He waits for stories to be written, to be told what to take. ARGH! He just drives me crazy! It was such a horrible morning, what with the transport getting wonderfully late and then realizing there were 8 people to pick up after me...which meant I only reached the station after 5 am which gave me no time at all to write the news, especially since the idiot decides to just sit on his sorry ass and wait for the news to flow in. Like YEAH RIGHT! That's going to happen!

I want to just wring his neck, no - better still I'll just snap him in half, or maybe I'll just cut him up into little pieces, or I'll have a couple of millions go's at him with a big-ass axe! YUP! Think I will...

And when I try to explain in the nicest of ways [honest, I did] that he ain't working up to his full potential...the number of excuses that came smoothly flowing out could've filled up all the excuse books in the universe. [be there such a thing?]

Thank's to his bloody fucking incompetency, I was so stressed and I ended up running around like a MAD woman, with no sense of direction, biting my nails, tearing my hair out [that's actually an exaggeration because if I did, then how would I look on the idiot box eh?] but still, my fingers practically flew around the keyboard - [no choice mate, it was either that or die at the hands of GOD] and...I made zillions of mistakes on air, as a result of being so 'on-the-edge'.

The good part - I now know that I can pull of the morning news all by meself...

Result - An utterly stressed, pissed off, highly strung, scary ME!

Er...Anyone for coffee?

Permission to 'Hit the Bucket'...and more...

We live in a world where things have become amazingly strange...like for instance, in Brazil it is now illegal to die. YUP! You heard me right the first time. A city in Brazil proposes to ban its residents from dying...and they say "offenders will be held responsible for their acts"... [sticks tongue out - very, very rudely] Hmmm...I wonder what the punishment would be for being an offender...You can read up more on this...right here!

Here's more ridiculous laws in the US of A

• You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street [like ya...right!]
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday [Hmmm...I wonder why?]
• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels [This law was probably passed by some short bastard]
• You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant [I wonder where else we could chain our pet alligators]
• A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets [Try telling the moose that]
• Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time [And remind me one more time WHY kangaroos need to visit the Barber's shop]
• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month [Bloody RUBBISH!]
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling [S M I L E]
• Tucson: Women may not wear pants [Again, another chauvinistic PIG]
• Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. [Sure...lots of sheep in Hollywood]
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street [And who the fuck decides on that?]
• It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday. [snicker]

That's just a few...want to read more?

I'm telling you...it be a very strange world that we live in...

Communicating @ ORG

Hmmm...alrighty! Here we go! Haven't blogged in ages eh?

I am now into into my 2nd day at the 'Org' [I be in charge of Communication/Reporting/PR] ... yesterday was the most BORING day...I just sat around and actually checked my mail and read all those crappy forwards...URGH! [shudder]

Anyways, I now have some stuff to do, and it's weird having to be at office on a daily basis, never done that before. However, the people here are really nice - at least for now they seem to be.

ANNOUNCEMENT - I am officially the BABY at the Org :) Cute eh?